hmm....

Seems now that every lesson or whatever that comes from Doyle or Brian gets me heart thinking(as I've said before, its completely different from head thinking). That is great. This morning's sermon was very powerful to me. But I think at the end I got more upset because almost everyone around me weren't really paying attention. So when people started to stand up, they just all stood up, clueless to what was really happening and how amazing it really was. I think I get angry and I really shouldn't. It's just that now it seems like alot of the people sit up on the balcony because they know they really aren't being seen or whatever. So they don't really have to pay attention. So I was sitting there upset at the fact that there were only 2 or 3 people in the section I was sitting in, that actually got it. So I just sat there humming the tune to the songs, with tears in my eyes. Because that used to be me.
Then tonite's lesson at small group was so...I don't know what word to use. I didn't really want to go when it came my turn, because I know that I'm not really all that successful in the areas I circled. I think that has to do with my being upset because I know that I could always do more, or give more. Then when Doyle was praying for me, tears started coming, because I don't see my heart being as good or big as he was saying. I don't feel like I am this great person doing these great things. I think that perhaps my inability to really accept compliments, of any sort, is why I feel that way. I just want to do things for people. I don't really expect a thank you, or any sort of praise. I like to be a backdrop. I definatly don't want the credit. But I also take it to a negative point of view. Maybe that's worded wrong.
I don't know. Tonite's lesson also pushed me further with my thoughts on us not doing anything. The more I do on my own with D'los helping out around the community, the worse I feel about us not doing anything. It's getting to where I'm at the point of tears from it. I feel that there is so much that we as a college group could be doing. But we aren't. It seems to me that whatever it is that we do, we make sure that it benefits us first, and if we help someone out along the way, thats cool too. It should be the complete opposite.
Well its 1:30 and I have to watch the kids tomorrow. So adieu!