tonight

Small group tonight got me thinking. Not brain thinking but heart thinking and thats two totally different realms in my book. We were talking about what the church does that is produced by faith. We thought of all sorts of things. Then he asked about ourselves. It wasn't so easy. It made my eyes well up with tears to think, that I didn't have anything that is produced by faith. Then came labor prompted by love. Once again, it really upset me that I don't have anything that I can say I do. I'm not living how I really should. When asked why we go to church, Doyle said something along the lines of, because its just to get by with God, or something. Like you go to church to get your Christianism out of the way.(If that makes any sense.) But I don't feel like I am even pretending to satisfy God. Then when we journal in class on Sunday mornings, we are supposed to write where we saw God in our week. I know God is there, but I can't find Him. I can't look back at the week and say, okay, I saw God in this. I get upset at myself, because that is my fault. I kind of get jealous, because I know other people can definatly say, okay here is where God was. I want that. I want that so bad. I just don't know how to get it. I want to do so much for the Lord, but I don't know where to start. Im too nervous to ask anyone. so I just sit back and watch it pass me by. I get real worried alot. I know that God loves me and forgave me, but I'm afraid that I'm not going to go to heaven. And it really scares me. well Im done, have to wake early.