blah blah blah

So yes it's been a few days again, but what can I say. I'm a busy woman. I shouldn't even be up writing this right now. It's so late and I'm so sleepy. I haven't been able to get to bed at a decent time this entire week. It's been between 1 and 2. Which I have to tell you, really sucks. Since when did I become such an old person?? I wake up early, and go to bed early. Wow. Last night I got to bed at about 1 cause I had some online homework that was due, and I was up before 10 am. It's my body saying, HELLO!! I'm not used to sleeping in past 8 o'clock any more, so wake up!! Oh well I guess, just makes me want to get to bed earlier, even on days that it isn't possible. Guess what?!? When someone asks me where I work, I no longer have to reply "I'm unemployed, not lazy.." Monty gave me a job up at the college. They got the financial situation worked out and asked me if I wanted to work. So of course I said yes, I'd be stupid not to. It's only 15 hours a week, but that is almost 200 every 2 weeks. If I save most of it, the prospects of my moving out are getting greater everyday. Thats one of the reasons that they hired me. Monty asked Delores about my 'home life' or what not. Delo said that my mom told me I didn't have to have a job, so I didn't have one. But that I really want to try to save up money to move out, because of the situation here at my house. Then she procceeds to tell him about how my bro and sisinlaw moved in or whatever. Well by the next morning all the directors in the department knew about 'my situation'. It was so weird, and funny at the same time. Anyways, I FINALLY got a new phone. Yea for me! I'm excited cause now I will get calls, AND my signal won't fade. At least it better not. Especially since we spent almost 250 on it. Well the night is progressing and I swear I can hear my bed calling my name.

GRRR...

So rehearsal ran longer than I thought it would tonight. Or maybe it's just because I have this horrid pain in my back. Hmm, wonder what it's from. Oh yea, probably because we played wiffle ball last night, and I haven't played in forever. The batting is what got me, or at least that's my theory. I kept getting frustrated at rehearsal, because the guy who wrote the play we are doing, is one of the students at AC. So he comes to the rehearsals to see how the words and plot play out. Well in doing so, he changes some of the dialogue. I'd have no problem with this, except that I have to have my script in a table so I can write everyones blocking in it. So I have already printed the scenes we have already blocked, and he goes and changes some of them. So I have to go back into the document on my comp, change the script, make sure that the rest of the pages that I have printed are still the same, then reprint the pages that were changed. Plus then I have to go back and rewrite all the blocking down on the new page. I don't like having to reprint the same page 4 times, it starts to add up cost wise. My ink in my printer won't last forever. Plus with a script that comes out to 131 pages in a table, it's kind of senseless to have to print the pages more than once. I'm just tired and need some sleep, even though I took a nap today. Man I've got issues. Found out today that my aunt has a lump in the thyroid gland in her neck/throat. They don't know if it is cancerous or not, and they will find out in two days whether or not they have to do a biopsy. It's kind of scary. Especially since she has already had skin cancer when she was 19. Also my other aunt(her older sister) had breast cancer not too long ago. Well my bed beckons to me to come enjoy the comfort and warmth of it. Okay I'll stop.

ugh

Uhh..I'm so tired all the time. Maybe if I started eating healthy and I stopped drinking sodas that would stop. Nah. That's a crazy thought. Right? Being tired makes me feel super old, because just a year, year and a half ago, I was staying up till who knows when. Whatever. Now it's amazing if I see one o'clock. I always said that I would never be the type of person to wake up early and have a like 9-5 job. But the way my sleep schedule is, I'm leaning towards that. Oh well. Huddles was good tonight. For the first one. I think some of the kids were like, hmmm...do I say something or do I not. I totally understand it too, cause it's such a tough age for some. I took Danni home after huddles, and she was saying how she wished that she was still in middle school. Emily and Lynsi say the same. I don't think that for me it was ever that hard of a transition, because I knew people in high school already. But I hate that they don't like it at all. That they wish they weren't there. I also got a little bit frustrated. But not with the kids. I don't want to go into it, so I'll hush. Well I have to get some sort of sleep, so I'm out.

okay..

So it's been awhile, but I feel like I've been soooo busy here lately. I guess that I have been. Busy with school, busy at home. Whatever. All day today I was gone, running around. I'm so tired I think I'm going to pass out. I am getting so frustrated with my sil right now.(sister-in-law). I know it's like I'm a broken record, but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay here with them. Well I guess that I'll have to. No job = no steady income = no way to pay for an apartment. I guess on my last couple of posts I wasn't making myself clear enough. I didn't mean my complete honest thoughts and feelings like some of you thought. I mean that I don't ever express myself. At all. Well I do. But more often than not, I'll keep my mouth shut, and not say anything. Or I'll say, Oh it doesn't matter to me. I think that stems from my constant need to make sure that everyone is happy. Or remotely happy. I have no clue where that came from though. Well even though its only 9:30, I think I'm going to bed. Man I feel so old. Haha.

something I whipped up using this nifty little program I found. It's called Artrage. Google it. It's free. 

aghhhh...

How sad is it that when I post what I did last night, I decide to start saying what I really am thinking and feeling, that someone immediately tries to stop me. Or so it seems that way. And why do I let myself get upset about it? It's like I'm being told, how I feel, or think. Or I guess how I'm supposed to or not. But I'm not getting into all that, because it would be a waste of my life to dwell on it. Time is a precious commodity that I don't really enjoy wasting on being mad or upset at someone. I'm glad I finally realise that. I can remember a time when I could stay mad at someone forever. Partly because I would never try to fix it. I'm glad that I don't have to worry about having that stress of being upset at someone anymore.
Doyle announced today that he wouldn't be working with the college kids anymore. It was shocking in a sense I guess, but only because no one knew about it. It's so weird to think about everything though. So much is changing. Just from a year ago. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just different. I mean, Doyle and Christy are working with the primetimers(I think that's what they are called), Mariah and Ty are married, so are Elisheba and Kyle, Daniel is about to move, Melissa lives in Lubbock, and I'm now doing huddles. We're all growing, and I'm loving it. But to think about it, is scary also. I'm afraid, because I'm, we're, moving out of comfortable.
I don't know anymore, my brain rambles on, and I can't make sense of it. Anyways, I'm tired and have class in the morning. Peace...haha...

Why can't we, as humans, as people who care about each other, ever be honest? I mean yes, we are honest to a point, but we always stop ourselves. Is it because we don't want to be vulnerable? Maybe. Maybe we don't want them to know the real us, because that means they have our hearts in their hands. I think that I just had an epiphinany. I think that I know why I don't always say everything that is on my mind or my heart, even to my closest friends. I don't want to be hurt again. I say that I was hurt. I hurt myself. Allowed others to hurt me while I did it. I don't want to be completely honest and share my heart, because I'm afraid that something will happen, and I will have lost someone close to me...again.
It's like I want to tell people who I really am. I really do. Its not like they don't really know me, cause they do. It's that they only know part of me. The part I'm not afraid to show. But matters of the heart, are hidden. Secretly locked away, for me to keep. I want to tell everyone how pumped I am about Huddles. But if I talk about it, it seems as if no one cares like I do. Thats okay that they don't feel like I do about it, cause they haven't felt the things I've felt. They might not have experienced the things I did in my huddle when I was in high school. So they wouldn't understand how important this is to me. To be able to provide these kids with someone to trust in, to confide in, someone to love them no matter what. I think back and I am so glad that I had awesome huddle leaders, because if I ever needed someone to talk to I know, that I could pick up the phone right now and call them. I want that for these kids. I know that you can't always talk to your parents, even your friends.
I just wish there were some way to get over this barrier that I've created for myself.

Hmm..

You ever feel that spiritually you are having a 'dry spell'?? You know what I mean. I feel like that this week. I can't wait to actually start huddles, because I have been so pumped since I found out that I was going to be a leader. But I am getting so overwhelmed and caught up with school it seems as if my mind, heart, and soul aren't in the place they need to be. Like I'm not doing things that I shouldn't or whatever, I just don't feel 'there'. Maybe I'm just rambling about nothing, but who cares. Well I've gotta run, lots of homework....yea...fun stuff.

Busy little bee..

So once again, it's been a while since I've wrote. Go figure, I can't help it. I've been busy. It's starting to get all kinds of crazy. I am a stage manager right? Well I have to enter all my stuff into contest. Ray said so, whether I liked it or not. So I have to get all kinds of stuff together. It's really insane. But whatever. Then I have oodles of math homework, but that stuff's easy. Plus with huddles starting this week, I'm carrying a full load. So I don't think that it's such a bad thing that I don't have a job. Right? Well I've got to get some stuff done. Adieu!!

It's been forever, yes I know..

I've started back to school, finally. Classes so far are easy, and I don't think they're going to get much harder. But I am a stage manager for one of the shows, and I will be plenty busy with that. But I am not working right now. Something happened with the like federal aid or whatever, so they can't hire any insitutional people or whatever. But its cool. I am debating on whether or not I am going to go and get a job. My mom says I don't have to have one, since I am in school. If I don't get a job, I will probably go to the civic center and help with the Katrina victims that are coming here. Well I am going, adios!!!