Why can't we, as humans, as people who care about each other, ever be honest? I mean yes, we are honest to a point, but we always stop ourselves. Is it because we don't want to be vulnerable? Maybe. Maybe we don't want them to know the real us, because that means they have our hearts in their hands. I think that I just had an epiphinany. I think that I know why I don't always say everything that is on my mind or my heart, even to my closest friends. I don't want to be hurt again. I say that I was hurt. I hurt myself. Allowed others to hurt me while I did it. I don't want to be completely honest and share my heart, because I'm afraid that something will happen, and I will have lost someone close to me...again.
It's like I want to tell people who I really am. I really do. Its not like they don't really know me, cause they do. It's that they only know part of me. The part I'm not afraid to show. But matters of the heart, are hidden. Secretly locked away, for me to keep. I want to tell everyone how pumped I am about Huddles. But if I talk about it, it seems as if no one cares like I do. Thats okay that they don't feel like I do about it, cause they haven't felt the things I've felt. They might not have experienced the things I did in my huddle when I was in high school. So they wouldn't understand how important this is to me. To be able to provide these kids with someone to trust in, to confide in, someone to love them no matter what. I think back and I am so glad that I had awesome huddle leaders, because if I ever needed someone to talk to I know, that I could pick up the phone right now and call them. I want that for these kids. I know that you can't always talk to your parents, even your friends.
I just wish there were some way to get over this barrier that I've created for myself.