Forever

It's been forever I know, but I can't really help it. I got really busy with the wedding and what not. But thats only the start. I got this infection thing on my face. I was put into the hospital on Monday, and didn't get out till Thursday. It sucked. What sucked even worse, is the specialist said that they will probably never really know what was wrong with me. Isn't that real comforting. I spent almost a week in the hospital and they didn't find what was wrong. But at least it is way better. I now only have alittle redness, instead of my entire face being swollen. I was like the lady on Dr. Dolittle that always eats the shellfish even though she knows that she is allergic. Anyways I'm better now, except for the medicine I'm on makes me a little sick to my stomach. Not good. Well I am about to go play sand volleyball, yea for summer!!!!

today was..eh..

I've been down most of the day. Perhaps its because I didn't have a chance to get out of the house until tonight at like 11. Parents had the car all day. It could also be the fact that I'm alittle depressed about my cousin getting married this upcoming weekend. Not for the fact that she is getting married, more because I don't even have a prospect of getting married. Not even a boyfriend. Which is stupid because I don't really feel like I need a boyfriend you know. I think I just want to date or something. Cause I've never been on a date. How sad. Here I am a month away from being 21 and never been on a date, or in a serious relationship for that matter. I just need to stop thinking about it. I saw Trae last night. Its been a few months. He's crazy as always. Well my night went better though. Justin and I went to Butler's. Then we walk out and there is absolutly no wind or anything. It wasn't too hot or too cold. So we get to talking about it and I say the only thing that could make this night better would be for it to rain. Lightly not downpour. So we are about halfway home, and it starts to rain. Lightly. Not downpour. No wind either. I don't know. There's just something about a calm rain that I love. I feel sorry for those who were actually asleep at two am. my bed calls me.

I wonder what people must think of me. You know. Just their general thoughts. Now I know I will never get a full answer, that is truthful, out of them. But I just wished I could hear their thoughts. I don't know what made me think of this. Last night was good. Had the cast party and I think that most people had fun, or at least they acted like they did. But that could just be people being polite. Have you ever gotten to the point where you are just so emotionally strained that you think that you can't handle anything else? I don't know what I am doing.

...

So today was alright, in the beginning. I got cast in Justins show, which was no suprize to me at all. So I guess that was okay. We had a really good run of the show, which was okay. But something came over me when we went to Denny's. I don't know what it was, but it's still here. I just feel like I should cry. But I have no reason to. But something else bothered me after I started to feel down. It's like S can't let someone just be down. She has to be like are you okay? Did I make you mad? So when you are like nothing and no, but still all down, and everyone else is saying something to try to cheer you up, she has to start being all sad. Its not that I wanted the attention, it just drives me nuts when she does that. It makes me want to yell and say, everything doesnt have to be about you all of the time.

I also have been thinking alot about last nights entry. I'm so odd sometimes. But I was even odder tonight. I can't ever express my thoughts like I want to because I know someone will say something about it. But I couldn't help but think about weird stuff tonight. One thought that ran through my head over and over, is something totally morbid. Ive had it before so that wasnt the shock, it was at the time I started to think about it that kinda made me go hmmm. I have often felt that deep down in my heart I know that I will never get married. I feel as if I'll never have a family of my own. Not for the fact that I won't ever meet someone, I just get this overwhelming feeling that I wont make it that long. I have this feeling that I wont make it to be an old woman. I shall meet my death sooner than people here on earth should think I would. No I'm not suicidal or anything, just this feeling I have. It is a bit scary. Also I feel as if my death won't be of natural causes, like a heart attack or anything. I think it will possibly be an accident of some sort, or things of that nature. Man Im so messed up in the head. I don't know what is going on anymore. I just want these thoughts to stop.

So my parents are gone for the weekend, which leaves me here...alone. It has its ups and downs I guess. I'm kinda glad to get a break from my parents, which doesn't seem to happen to often since I moved back in. It's crazy to think that I haven't had a place of my own in over a year. I don't know how I can handle it sometimes. There are days that I really wish I could just leave, like I could back then. Spend some time at my parents house, but I knew that I was going home after a bit. I really need to start saving money so I can actually move out sometime.

Life has been really weird lately. I guess its just me though. I mean I love hanging out with my friends from theatre, because they just make everything so colorful. Is that the right word? Maybe. But I know that since I started hanging out with them, I've been slipping, faith wise. I know I shouldn't be, but its almost as if I can't help it. I miss hanging out with Ba and them, but also at times I feel unwanted. Or perhaps more out of place. I feel like I don't fit. Like I am a sphere someone is trying to push through the cube's hole. Then I get to wondering...is that what it is supposed to be like? Surely this is not what God's love is like. Out of place. Hopefully His love is not something that would shun me.

I've been thinking lately about alot of stuff. Just wondering about things, and it makes me almost feel bad for doing so. I'm not making any sense now. But like I've almost been questioning my faith, and 'religion'. I feel as if I shouldn't be, but yet I feel as if I can not. I wonder all the time about wether or not I am right in my beliefs in God. I guess I'll never fully know or understand it all. Well time for bed.

I hate it...

So I officially hate the weather here in Amarillo. It is May, you know, a supposedly warm month, even up in the cold parts of the country, and here we are with SNOW. I woke up this morning and the first things that came out of my mouth were, you gotta be kidding right? So I've also have decided that the first chance I get to move away, I'll probably take it. I don't even care if it is extremely humid where I move to, as long as it doesn't snow in May. Other than that I'm doing ok. The first 3 performances are over, thank goodness, and only 3 more to go. But I've really enjoyed this show so much more than the last one. Well I am really supposed to be working so I am outta here.