It's been awhile...

and I haven't posted. I can say I have been extremely busy and haven't even been on the computer in forever, but I'd be lying. I have had things to do, but I am on the computer almost everyday for my class, so I could post. I've been lazy thats it. I am so glad that there are only 2 more showings of the show I'm in. Love some people to death, but I'm sick and tired of being around alot of them. But anyways, I haven't been able to sleep well in forever. I've just been staying up till 4 or later, and I don't know why. I try to stop but it doesn't ever happen. I have also been 'backsliding' as a Christian. It hurts me, and makes me feel really two faced, to God anyways. I just need some serious time alone with God. I am so lost and confused in this world I'm living in. I don't know. I really have to go, since I have church in a few hours.

Well today was okay. Had to get on to Ashton. It seems like we can't go a day with out him doing something. It is mostly his attitude that gets him in trouble. Dawn said he even gives attitude to Gene. Its crazy. But I bet its kind of hard growing up without a dad. Anyways, I am starting to regret that I agreed to do this play. I am so worried that it is going to flop. I know its kind of selfish of me, but its like I don't want to be a part of a play that sucked. Like its going to tarnish my name or something. Anyways I pray the God helps me through this, and that I stop being the way I am. Well I need to get some rest before the kids show up in the morning.

My realization...

So I'm finally getting smarter I think. I had a realization today. I was taking a shower, and being in the water made me think about the two boys that were baptized today. Then I got to thinking about when I was baptized. I've always been the one in my family that went to church all the time. I always went with my grandma, my brothers didnt go, aside from my younger one every once in awhile, neither did my parents. My parents both grew up in the church though. Well I remember my mom telling me that I had to get baptized. Being the good child that I was, I said okay and did it. I was in the 7th grade.
I expected this big change or something, you know like I wanted the heavens to open up and a ray of light to shine brightly down on me or something. But it didn't happen. I think because I wasn't really ready for it. So thinking back now, I wish that I wouldn't of gotten baptized when I did. I wish now that it would have really meant something to me. I remember getting gifts from people at church, and the first thing that ran through my head was, 'I hope that they don't think thats the reason I got baptized, to get gifts..'
I also realized something else. I remember that next day, all excited to tell my friends at school that I had gotten baptized. So I get there, and go to where we normally hung out, and I told everyone. I guess I was expecting them to I don't know, react, to what I had said or something. But maybe one person said, 'oh yea, that's cool.' I think that crushed my spirits some. I know that I was almost forced to be baptized, but I also knew what it meant, and how exciting living for Christ was going to be. But I think that day, when it seemed like no one cared, I lost heart. But I think that I am getting it back.
Recently at church, the sermons have been really awesome. I really feel, kind of touched. Like they spoke to me. I hate that sometimes I am such a hypocrite. I hate that I'm such a failure. I hate that I can never live up to my own expectations. But I love that Christ can look past that. That he sees me, not what I have or havent done. We also started a new quarter, which means new bible classes. I really love the way the college class is being taught this quarter. I journal anyways, because it is hard alot of the time for me to just talk my thoughts. I am so much better at writing them down, then saying them. So in class we are journaling, and I love it.
Well I have to watch Key and Ash in the morning, yea, I'm so excited. Can't you tell, with all the enthusiasim I'm showing? Goodnight!