my week

So it's been a few days or so since I posted. I feel like I have just been swamped for 3 days straight.(which doesn't really excuse the rest of the week) I only had the kids for the last half of the day on Friday, so I ran around with my mom trying to get things bought. (we make mum's to sell for p.d.'s homecoming, something I've done forever.) Then yesterday, I went to Habitat of course, which once again was fun. It's kind of weird, you wouldn't think that working hard and being extremely hot would be so fun, but it is. Today they bless the house. It's sad and happy for me. I am so glad to see this family be able to actually have a house of their own. But it also means that the house is finished and we won't have one to work on for a while. Oh well. That just means that until then on Saturday's its off to the Ronald McDonald house.
By the way, I fixed the link to Canon's page, for those who noticed it didn't work. My bad. I applied at Hastings for a evening job. It would be nice if I got it, but if I don't I'm not going to be upset. Also I found out that all the scholarship $$ that I have left over from my books, goes to me. Isn't that nice? Surely my books won't be over $600. Because I could really use the extra cash to save up to get an apartment. It actually hasn't been that bad around here lately. Could be that my sis-in-law has spent the past week at her moms house during the day. Well I am going to go read a bit before the blessing. So adios!

hmm....

Seems now that every lesson or whatever that comes from Doyle or Brian gets me heart thinking(as I've said before, its completely different from head thinking). That is great. This morning's sermon was very powerful to me. But I think at the end I got more upset because almost everyone around me weren't really paying attention. So when people started to stand up, they just all stood up, clueless to what was really happening and how amazing it really was. I think I get angry and I really shouldn't. It's just that now it seems like alot of the people sit up on the balcony because they know they really aren't being seen or whatever. So they don't really have to pay attention. So I was sitting there upset at the fact that there were only 2 or 3 people in the section I was sitting in, that actually got it. So I just sat there humming the tune to the songs, with tears in my eyes. Because that used to be me.
Then tonite's lesson at small group was so...I don't know what word to use. I didn't really want to go when it came my turn, because I know that I'm not really all that successful in the areas I circled. I think that has to do with my being upset because I know that I could always do more, or give more. Then when Doyle was praying for me, tears started coming, because I don't see my heart being as good or big as he was saying. I don't feel like I am this great person doing these great things. I think that perhaps my inability to really accept compliments, of any sort, is why I feel that way. I just want to do things for people. I don't really expect a thank you, or any sort of praise. I like to be a backdrop. I definatly don't want the credit. But I also take it to a negative point of view. Maybe that's worded wrong.
I don't know. Tonite's lesson also pushed me further with my thoughts on us not doing anything. The more I do on my own with D'los helping out around the community, the worse I feel about us not doing anything. It's getting to where I'm at the point of tears from it. I feel that there is so much that we as a college group could be doing. But we aren't. It seems to me that whatever it is that we do, we make sure that it benefits us first, and if we help someone out along the way, thats cool too. It should be the complete opposite.
Well its 1:30 and I have to watch the kids tomorrow. So adieu!

Look Closely.....

Found some old writings of mine, thought I'd share.

If you look closely in my eyes,
you can see the sadness deep within,
You could see past this simple facade,
that I place before me.
You would see that this smile,
that I put on my face,
is just to distract you,
while I cry.
Every morning when I wake,
I put my mask on and
prepare myself for the masquerade
you call life.
I parade around
pretending to be a well adjusted individual.
Pretending to be
what the world wants me to be.
But deep down,
I'm no where near satisfied
with my life.
But that's something
you'll never know,
because you didn't take the time,
to look closely in my eyes.

I'm bitter....I think

Do you ever get tired of doing the same ol stuff all the time. I don't even really do much of anything on a regular basis, but it's like I'm tired of doing it. Maybe I expect too much out of life. Maybe I'm wanting more out of this life than what I'm getting. I got real upset last night. I was looking on this website and something suprized me. There are many churches that go on mission trips to towns or what not. You know what really got to me though? There are churches from big cities like Houston coming to Amarillo for a mission trip. That really gets me mad. Then I think about church here. I love that the youth does missions to places like Rio, but instead of spending all that money perhaps they could serve here in town. If people in places like Houston that is over 11 times bigger than we are, think that Amarillo is in need of mission work, then we should do it. I also feel that we are not doing enough. Maybe I'm just being whatever. In a post from a week or so ago about small group, I realize that I am more upset that we, as a college group, aren't doing more. We go to church on Sunday mornings, then on Sunday nights, and some of us even go on Wednesdays. Wow isn't that amazing. I know that we justify it by saying that it's pretty amazing that we even go to church considering the society we live in. But is it really enough? No. I don't think that it is. I think that we need to step out and do more. Even if it is one Saturday a month or something. How are we supposed to bring others to Christ if we aren't even coming to Him fully? How are we supposed to make people see how great He is, and all the wonderful things He does thru us, if we aren't doing those things???? Man, I'm all worked up now, and I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed.

Just got home a bit ago. Long week end for me, but thats okay. Did Habitat for Humanity yesterday. It was very rewarding. I get all girly and emotional, which is totally not me normally, when I think about doing HfH. To think, I am helping build someone's home. Something that with out HfH, they could not afford. I dunno, I'm weird. Then today helped the McKinney's with the new house. It was fun too. I guess I just like to do stuff like that. Plus it gave me a reason to be out of my house. Which makes my life way less stressful. Well it's late and I'm pooped. Adieu

ah...I'm old

so here it is only 12:35 and I'm dead tired. Feel like an old person. Who cares. I need to start going to bed earlier anyways because once school starts I'm going to need to. Since I will more than likely have to wake up at like 8 or so. Anyways, played a game with my family tonight. Thats always fun, since growing up we didn't ever do stuff like that. Also Hunter was being really cute. He was going to sleep on my shoulder when all of a sudden he pops his head up. So I was like you better lay your head back down. So he would for like 2 seconds then pop it back up again. It was so cute. So I guess as the night went along it got better. Samantha and my little bro Josh actually cleaned up some today. Which makes me happy, cause I really hate living in a dirty house. Okay so sometimes my room isn't the cleanest, but its only clothing. But here lately I've become this little clean freak, maybe cause my brother and them are so messy. I was trying to think earlier where I could go to work. Sadly the only place I could think of that would let me come in at 7, would be United. I've worked for them before and I'm not sure I could do it again. If anyone who reads this has an idea, please let me know. I really need to save all the cash I can and $100 a week doesn't really make much of a dent.

The kids have been better this week. Wait, Ashton has been better this week. It could be that Gene and Dawn had a long talk with him. Told him if he got in trouble again he'd have to stay with his Nana. Well not really trouble, cause kids will be kids, just if he back talked me again. For the most part he's been really sweet, which is a good change. But it also makes Keyondra look much worse. She hasn't been liking to take no for an answer. You know I remember when I was younger and my parents would tell me no, I really don't think I ever said why not. I knew that they said no, and thats what they meant. Now my brothers on the other hand would always ask, then get yelled at with the common, because I said so. I say that to Ashton some. Just because he sometimes won't take the reason you give him. But it's whatever.

As I'm sitting here, I'm thinking. What kind of person am I? How do people really see me? Do they even truely like me? Don't know why, but that's what's in my head. Cause sometimes I don't like me. I don't like the things I do. I don't like the way I am. But only sometimes. I'm such a loser. Im out.

Just here

Just got finished washing my car, and man is it hot outside. It really doesn't look that good because I didn't dry it. Who cares. I'm trying to keep up with this thing, cause a friend asked me to. I'm actually suprized that anyone reads it. How weird. For the longest time I thought that well, no one is really going to read this, so I can just treat it kind of like a journal. (but I guess thats what it is anyways.) I'm doing a little bit better than yesterday. But it could be that I haven't been at home but for like 30-35 minutes. But I'm definatly starting to save $$$ so that I can move out as quickly as possible. I'm thinking that I may even get a night job for at least the rest of the summer. I don't know where but it would have to be like after 7:00pm. Just because now the kids are with me until around 6 instead of 5. But we'll see. Well I'm out.

rants

How weird. Had a friend call me today, who I haven't spoken to in quite a while. Actually probably since he had moved to San Antonio like last April. Anyways its always good to hear from friends. But on a different note, I am getting tired of my house. My brother and sis-in-law, plus my 4 month old nephew have moved back in. Oh joy. We've got a full house. I think that the main reason I hate it, is because they are so messy. I'm not talking like normal messy. I'm talking like our house, excluding my room, is a disaster area. I'm actually afraid the Red Cross might send someone in for help. I've tried to clean things up, but the next day they are a mess again. Also, Samantha, my sis-in-law, and my younger brother are always home. But yet the messes seem to get worse not any better. If you look into my older brothers room, you can't see the floor, yet they sleep there every night. It's not just clothing that is on the floor or anything, its actual things. You almost fall trying to get to their bed, which is maybe 3 or 4 ft from the door. Then they leave dishes everywhere. It wouldn't bother me if the sink was full of dishes. But its not, the house is. It is very discusting to me. I find it irritating to have to come home and grit my teeth, because it is such a mess. I think I'm getting an ulcer. Anyways, I am going to go, before I get even more upset.

tonight

Small group tonight got me thinking. Not brain thinking but heart thinking and thats two totally different realms in my book. We were talking about what the church does that is produced by faith. We thought of all sorts of things. Then he asked about ourselves. It wasn't so easy. It made my eyes well up with tears to think, that I didn't have anything that is produced by faith. Then came labor prompted by love. Once again, it really upset me that I don't have anything that I can say I do. I'm not living how I really should. When asked why we go to church, Doyle said something along the lines of, because its just to get by with God, or something. Like you go to church to get your Christianism out of the way.(If that makes any sense.) But I don't feel like I am even pretending to satisfy God. Then when we journal in class on Sunday mornings, we are supposed to write where we saw God in our week. I know God is there, but I can't find Him. I can't look back at the week and say, okay, I saw God in this. I get upset at myself, because that is my fault. I kind of get jealous, because I know other people can definatly say, okay here is where God was. I want that. I want that so bad. I just don't know how to get it. I want to do so much for the Lord, but I don't know where to start. Im too nervous to ask anyone. so I just sit back and watch it pass me by. I get real worried alot. I know that God loves me and forgave me, but I'm afraid that I'm not going to go to heaven. And it really scares me. well Im done, have to wake early.

it's been awhile, yea whateva...

So I haven't posted in awhile, sue me. I've been sorta busy I guess. Elisheba and Kyle were married yesterday. It's so weird. I mean they are married...man. I get mixed feelings about it too. I am so happy for them, because I know they were made for each other. But on the other hand, I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. After all I have done. But thats the way it goes. Well I am so beat from yesterday, and I haven't ate lunch yet so I'm out.